Happy Place

It is really sad when a therapist ask you when you close your eyes what is your happy place... and all you can think of is....you alone by a lake...with a life starting inside you...

The alone bit alarms me the most...

Old Couples

I used to watch these couples in the restaurants, when they sat quietly and drank their wine and cut into their steak...occasionally they exchanged a look, or a small talk...I used to watch them and tell myself that would never be us...

I suppose one never knows what life will trow at them...but where I am now is the place I least expected to be...not being able to say what you want...or just too tired of saying it too much...holding back and watching life walk passed you...

Is it too much to want to move on with life, progress, the normal stuff, have a home...a family...future...as far as expectations go, I never imagined those as being expectations, I thought of them the norm of life...!

Therapy

Usually my first inclination about therapist were....well they are people who just sit in a couch and listen half sleep...until the buzzer goes off and then they give you some bullshit about your childhood feelings and time is up....

my first experience with one, went rather interestingly....I found out I am Normal...yappee...and looks like I am right about most of the things I say and the feelings I have and we just gotta fix someone else now....

which I guess were the problem lies...because if it was me...then I could kick me to fix me....

Shooting

I had a rather strange experience over the weekend...well in fact I have had a few rather strange feelings and experiences lately....it has been a while since I wrote...so no one to blame really...

We went shooting....yes shot guns and moving clay pots and all that...I think I might have even shot a bird....as far as feelings are concerned at first instant i felt sick...really sick...my hands were shaking and not because the bleeding gun was heavy mainly because i was put on a spot to do something I wasn't quite sure about where I stand with as far as principles concern to avoid the risk of being called a party pooper or NOT fun....

of course the sickness went away after a few rounds and we established that I am natural...but thinking about it now...I think I would never jokingly say 'if I had a gun i'd shoot you right now!'...I am worried it could actually happen since now I know where to get the gun from :-)

Although we may feel like acting impulsively sometimes, eventually we'll need to make a plan and stick with it. It doesn't matter that we may feel constrained when limiting options with exacting schedules and commitments because people can waste time and energy when they lack accountability. It is best to stop working against the rules and instead, use them as guidelines to increase productivity.

I am not barging ahead so fast now, for I have realized that accomplishing a lot could be a hollow victory if I exhaust myself in the process. The problem is the current objectives may be very demanding, but they're only a small part of a much larger set of goals, and I truly think I have waited long enough and have been patience enough and supporting enough...sometimes I worry and doubt whether we actually share the same goals...and even thinking about it breaks a little of my heart....but then again I am good at moving on and not letting little set backs annoy me...so I am going to get some sleep; it's more crucial to reserve some energy for tomorrow than to overdo it today....

It feels like I have reached a point where it doesn't matter what I want now, for I have to balance everything with the needs of someone else.

However, I guess I must be careful because you cannot just bury your emotions...can you...and avoidance as a strategy does not work in my favor, but neither does overreacting...ya ya I know all of that.... perhaps I can prevent a minor disagreement from turning into a significant problem if I simply consider other people's feelings, too...but what if the other people are self absorbed and are not considering my feelings?

Future

I think no matter how busy one is, it's crucial to set aside a block of time where you can sit and dream about the possibilities ahead or freely talk about your hopes for the next phase of your life with a the one you love..you other half so to say.

I always think it is important to have long-term goals and if we make time to takes our mind off the everyday noise of our job and give ourselves a break; will have a better focus and instead of worrying about tomorrow or next week,we can extend our vision much further into the future.

I guess the only worry is that what if the other person doesn't share the same dreams!!!

We learn far more from our apparent failures

We learn far more from our apparent failures, than we ever do from our supposed successes. Sometimes, though, it takes us a while. When we make a mistake, we can't immediately absorb all it has taught us because it pains us to dwell on the disappointment. Also, instinctively, we know that if we analyse the past too deeply, we risk getting stuck in it.

But with that knowledge, we do it...and we loose the opportunities that we can only
seize if we had understood why the previous chance was missed. The way to avoid repeating an old error is to be sure and know what went wrong and why. Then try again and get it right this time....

World with no war...

Can you imagine a world without war? It is hard for me, I have been raised through a civil war of change as a result of a revolution, then an actual war...were I experienced loss of high school friends, constant sirens in the middle of the night, and nothing on TV but news of war and TV lessons in maths as we have all missed so much school...

But of course sometimes, I can imagine life without war. When I feel high and inspired, I can easily envisage this. It's not just the pacifists and the dreamers, the military can see it as well - as can all the companies that make millions of dollars from manufacturing weapons. They see it, and they worry. Where will their profits come from if nations are no longer afraid of each other?

This makes me think of someone, in my world now, who has a vested interest in keeping an argument alive? Perhaps If I want peace I must first identify the real problem...I kind of know what it is...but can't stop feeling there is more to it...I know the solution to it too...just looking for the courage of making the next move...overcoming the fear of the unknown is perhaps the main thing stopping me from moving forward...