My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, I didn't want to think about it, or even remember it, but it is kind of unavoidable....it is a big one this year...well maybe not to some....but usually 20 is when you feel like a responsible Adult....25 you know it all....by 30 you want to have it all....and by 35 well....nervous break down time right? I read few years ago that the age for the midlife crisis is gone as low as 30....this year I am kind of struggling with my inner emotions and my logical side of the brain to ensure I am making the right decisions and setting the right steps...

I used to have a life plan and have it all mapped out in front of me...it worked as long as it was just me...but when you are a couple...oh well....I am way behind my life plan....oh hell I am way behind everything and I know I am the only one to blame...for not setting my foot down and saying it how it should be!

I'm starting to wonder if whether or not my husband will ever be ready for a child....Having a baby is a monumental, lifelong commitment that no one should be coerced into...We both knew that we wanted a child before we got married....these days when I look at a baby he just turns away...and every-time it is as if someone stabs me in my stomach....thanks for the support mate!

I read somewhere in one of the forums something in regard to having kids..."I personally think that if you have to convince your husband to have a baby, it's a relationship that ready for doom" ...

Well then I guess we are doomed...If I had thought for a second that he wasn't at all interested in having a child with me, or would have been difficult to talk to about it and wouldn't "try" to conceive, I would not have married him.

I do wish that he was upfront with me from the beginning of our relationship ....
and I do understand it when he says flat out that he wants to be sure we are in good financial standings first...I agree with that and for the past 6 years that has been my thinking exactly...but we are in a good place now and delaying it further with the clock ticking for us could just lead to further problems down the line...and I seriously don't want to get to a point that I resent him for denying me a child...

Happy Place

It is really sad when a therapist ask you when you close your eyes what is your happy place... and all you can think of is....you alone by a lake...with a life starting inside you...

The alone bit alarms me the most...

Old Couples

I used to watch these couples in the restaurants, when they sat quietly and drank their wine and cut into their steak...occasionally they exchanged a look, or a small talk...I used to watch them and tell myself that would never be us...

I suppose one never knows what life will trow at them...but where I am now is the place I least expected to be...not being able to say what you want...or just too tired of saying it too much...holding back and watching life walk passed you...

Is it too much to want to move on with life, progress, the normal stuff, have a home...a family...future...as far as expectations go, I never imagined those as being expectations, I thought of them the norm of life...!

Therapy

Usually my first inclination about therapist were....well they are people who just sit in a couch and listen half sleep...until the buzzer goes off and then they give you some bullshit about your childhood feelings and time is up....

my first experience with one, went rather interestingly....I found out I am Normal...yappee...and looks like I am right about most of the things I say and the feelings I have and we just gotta fix someone else now....

which I guess were the problem lies...because if it was me...then I could kick me to fix me....

Shooting

I had a rather strange experience over the weekend...well in fact I have had a few rather strange feelings and experiences lately....it has been a while since I wrote...so no one to blame really...

We went shooting....yes shot guns and moving clay pots and all that...I think I might have even shot a bird....as far as feelings are concerned at first instant i felt sick...really sick...my hands were shaking and not because the bleeding gun was heavy mainly because i was put on a spot to do something I wasn't quite sure about where I stand with as far as principles concern to avoid the risk of being called a party pooper or NOT fun....

of course the sickness went away after a few rounds and we established that I am natural...but thinking about it now...I think I would never jokingly say 'if I had a gun i'd shoot you right now!'...I am worried it could actually happen since now I know where to get the gun from :-)

Although we may feel like acting impulsively sometimes, eventually we'll need to make a plan and stick with it. It doesn't matter that we may feel constrained when limiting options with exacting schedules and commitments because people can waste time and energy when they lack accountability. It is best to stop working against the rules and instead, use them as guidelines to increase productivity.

I am not barging ahead so fast now, for I have realized that accomplishing a lot could be a hollow victory if I exhaust myself in the process. The problem is the current objectives may be very demanding, but they're only a small part of a much larger set of goals, and I truly think I have waited long enough and have been patience enough and supporting enough...sometimes I worry and doubt whether we actually share the same goals...and even thinking about it breaks a little of my heart....but then again I am good at moving on and not letting little set backs annoy me...so I am going to get some sleep; it's more crucial to reserve some energy for tomorrow than to overdo it today....

It feels like I have reached a point where it doesn't matter what I want now, for I have to balance everything with the needs of someone else.

However, I guess I must be careful because you cannot just bury your emotions...can you...and avoidance as a strategy does not work in my favor, but neither does overreacting...ya ya I know all of that.... perhaps I can prevent a minor disagreement from turning into a significant problem if I simply consider other people's feelings, too...but what if the other people are self absorbed and are not considering my feelings?